The following is the opening satirical monologue from The Andrew Klavan Show.
On this show, we are never afraid to examine the insights and ramifications of leftist theory, because theres only so many times we can watch the movie Sausage Party and we need a good laugh. Today, wed like to take a look at the theory of Systemic Racism, the lefts attempt to explain why American blacks fail to thrive even though Democrats have done everything they can to destroy them.
To begin with, lets use the term in context. Lets say youre a sleazy Democrat con-woman whos the president of the American Federation of Teachers only not named Randi Weingarten because we dont want to get sued. And this low grifter lets call her Wendy Ramsbottom uses her sinister control of the Democrat party to keep schools closed for two years so her teachers get paid while poor children sink into incurable ignorance. NOW Whiny Garfinkel has created a situation where many black children who werent getting much of an education from Barfy Whinefartel anyway cant read or write, so employers wont hire them and the only job they can get is starting fistfights at McDonalds. Systemic Racism occurs when employers privilege reading and writing because thats what rich white people do because they dont go to schools controlled by low sleazy Democrats like Farty Whinecandy.
So how exactly is Systemic Racism, defined? Well, lets take each word in turn. Racism is a meaningless noise you scream in a harsh repetitive voice that sounds something like a seagull being chased by a jackhammer. And systemic is a multisyllabic nonsense meant to make the screeching seagull-noise sound like it means something. Put the two words together, and Systemic Racism means someone has noticed that Democrats have destroyed the lives of black people, and you have to drown them out by screaming Systemic Racism.
Now, heres what makes the theory of Systemic Racism so much fun. Once Democrat unions have abandoned public education in black neighborhoods, once youve installed Democrat welfare programs that encourage fatherless children among the poor, once Democrats have taught black people to feel that everyone is against them and they have no chance of success, once Democrats have defunded the police so that criminals can terrorize black neighborhoods which have been destroyed by riots incited by Democrats, just about everything Republicans do is Systemic Racism.
Here are some examples, and as God is my witness, every single one of these is a real example from a left-leaning news source.
The Philadelphia Inquirer says picnics are racist because white Democrats used to have picnics at lynchings. Now personally, I think the Inquirer may have missed the actual racist part. Namely, the lynchings. Seems to me you could have picnics with, like, sack races instead, but then maybe that would go against an old Democrat tradition. Namely lynchings.
The Los Angeles Times says white people driving cars is racist because white drivers pollute the neighborhoods they drive through but dont stop to buy things in the black neighborhoods because theres high crime there because Democrats have abandoned the schools and defunded the police so white drivers are racist.
The Democrat California state assembly says Skittles and jelly beans are racist because candy is bad for you and many black people eat it to get a little sugary pleasure in their lives which have been destroyed by Democrats.
Mother Jones says that eating three meals a day is racist because colonial settlers ate three meals a day but indigenous natives kept a less rigid eating schedule and so the colonial settlers associated less rigid eating schedules with living in mud huts and being conquered by colonial settlers.
And finally, Afru magazine says coffee is racist because coffee used to be harvested by slaves and okay they have me there because I dont care, as long as I get my damn coffee.
As you can see, Systemic Racism is all around us, like fairies or those invisible aliens who send messages into your brain telling you Jesus is coming back so you should sell everything you own and move into the desert. Only by being illiterate and skipping lunch can we break the chains that hold black people down in Democrat-run cities where theres no education or police. After all, If we cant end Systemic Racism by giving up jelly beans and picnics, its just really, really hard to imagine what possible solution there could be to dysfunction in black neighborhoods caused by Democrat policies.
But give me a few seconds, and maybe Ill think of something.
Andrew Klavanis the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire.A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist.His newest novel isA Strange Habit of Mind, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.